Getting Back Into Blogging

When I first created this blog, I intended to chronologically recount my story of abuse. There are a few reasons the blog has remained stagnant for so long. One, my brain works in a more random way, not so much chronological. At this point, I’m thinking of writing a book (or two or three), that way I can keep adding events to the correct chapters as I remember them.

Two, and this is more of an excuse than anything else, is life happened. I got busy with work and other things. Because I already felt overwhelmed at trying to recount my tale, it was easy to use “I’m just too busy” as an excuse to avoid writing about what I’d been through.

Three, and probably most importantly, is that I realized shortly after I created my blog that my significant other (now my husband) had been through the same thing I had but to a far worse degree. At the time, he was still in touch with his abuser who was actively trying to destroy his life. This was causing all kinds of problems, and it was what I really wanted to document because it caused me so much more pain than actually living with a psychopath ever did.

Getting back to feeling overwhelmed, my situation was confusing, I didn’t have the terminology to adequately express everything that was happening, and trying to figure out what exactly was going on was exhausting. Eventually, my husband and I figured everything (mostly) out, but it was still difficult to comprehend. I feel even more compelled to try to get this out, if for no other reason than there doesn’t seem to be much information out there on how to cope with this type of situation, and how to help a loved one who is dealing with CPTSD and dissociation while they are actively being abused. It was a frustrating, frightening experience, and I can’t be the only person to have gone through this with someone dear, not knowing how to help. In fact, some of my reactions probably made it worse.

My goal is to write a book in two parts (possibly three). The first book will relay the story of the part of my life I lived with my narcissistic abuser; the second book will recount the journey my husband and I have taken through the aftermath of abuse. A possible third book would be my husband’s life with his borderline personality disordered abuser, but that’s completely up to him. I know a good deal of that story, but it’s his to tell.

In the meantime, where am I going with the blog? Unfortunately, my husband and I have both lived with, and worked with, some extremely volatile and manipulative people, even after we thought we’d be free of those types for good. Writing about these experiences seems like an easier jumping off point while I’m working on my first book.

Introduction

After more than a decade of having some type of psychopathic presence directly or indirectly involved in my life, I have been wanting to chronicle these misadventures for quite some time. Originally, I planned to start from the beginning and do a thorough job of chronicling my experiences in as much detail as possible. It was supposed to be a purging experience, and a way to gain more insight into myself and what I have been through.

But the thought of going back to the start of all this, to get it all out, and try to put it in order, was absolutely overwhelming. That is mostly why I have been putting off starting a blog until now. The other delays were deciding what platform to use and how to get some of this stuff off my chest if I wasn’t going to do a chronology of events.

After doing some research, I decided on WordPress for a number of reasons which don’t merit going into detail about. I’m sure this will become easier as I familiarize myself with WP and blogging but, for the time being, it feels a bit awkward.

I’ve come to realize that I don’t so much have a need to relive my experiences from beginning to end (although I’m still considering writing it all down, if I ever feel like tackling that), but my analytical mind is caught up in the mechanics of these relationships (between psychos and their victims). The behaviors are truly fascinating.

A bit of background: Why am I blogging about this?

I lived with a psychopath for a while, and then I moved out. Unfortunately, I wound up moving back in at a later time, and that’s when things really started to go downhill. Once I got away from him for good, things got even more interesting. It turned out that the vindictive, overgrown child my boyfriend was trying to divorce was even more of a monster than the one I had lived with. Figuring that out with him turned out to be more painful than my own previous experiences. I’m blogging as a way of healing and gaining perspective. However, if anyone happens to find these posts helpful, that’s wonderful.

The two monsters involved in my life meet the criteria for psychopathy. Though they both display traits from various personality disorders, they are both pathological and covert, so I’m not even bothering with the PD traits, although I’ll probably point them out from time to time. (Once you learn to recognize them, it starts to become second nature, like a survival instinct kicking in).